Thank Bloo

[BLOOSTER12]

the storys about will Bloo behave to get a slice of the biggest cake he ever seen.
chapter 1
"Master Blooregard you destroy Never Leave Steve's room when you made him left for a snack, but I'm impress that you made Never Leave Steve leave."Gee thanks Mr.H well bye"! "Not so fast, you still need to behave today Master Blooregard"."Pbbbt...whatever. " said Bloo being sarcastic."Because if you don't get a slice of the cake."What cake are you talking about?"This Master Blooregard is the cake I'm talking about".Bloo was shock seeing what the cake is.Bloo thought that cake is 5ft high."Now will you behave Master Blooregard."Bloo's only chance is to be good for today,"Sure." end of ch.1

[Vampyre]

I can see this being a pretty good story with a lot of potential, but there are a few things you need to work on. For example:

It would be best if perhaps you worked on your grammar a little, because it seems to switch from tence to a another, from past to future and it can get a little confusing.

You could also work on your sentence structure and using commars to make your sentences sound more... Interesting. If you shove in more explanatory words and phrases, then it gives the impression that the writer is pretty smart, which I'm sure you are ^__^. For example, I remember reading on passage where you wrote "Said Bloo, being sarcastic." Now to make this sound better you could write "replied Bloo, in a sarcastic manner." or simply "said Bloo, sarcastically." Just work a little on your wording and you'll soon get the hang of it.

Also, try putting in a bit of despcription too. Alot of this story is just dialog, and but speech isn't the only thing to a story. For example, you could have started this story off with something like this:

Bloo, a small, blue blob of an imaginary friend, shuffled hurriedly down the corridor, a wide grin on his face as he giggled and peered over his shoulder at the wide open door of the room, commonly known as 'Never Leave Steve's room'.
Suddenly, Bloo came to a halt as the sound of large paws slamming against the old floor boards of the Foster home echoed through his none existent ears as a fairly fat and rather old six foot tall rabbit bounded quickly after him, his face twisted into a horrid expression of anger and aggravation "Master Blooregard!"

Description sets the scene, and gives the reader a good idea of whats going on. So try putting in a bit more of that and your story will be gerat in no time. Another word of advice however: Try NOT to put TOO many long words in, for it gives the idea that the writer is trying too hard. I know of a writer on a website called Fanfiction.net. They're pretty good, and their stories have potential too, but it drives me insane when she writes something like "The paddle ball method that Bloo had devised was going accordingly well." when they could just put "Bloo's paddle ball method was actually going pretty well."

Keep up the good work and keep writing and you'll be on your feet in no time! Practise makes perfect after all! I'll be checking back for updates on this story, you can count on that ^__^

[BLOOSTER12]

ch.2
Bloo was shock what he said.He has to be good for the day to get a slice of that cake.Bloo can't stand being good.Wilt came out after he play basketball with Foul Larry.''Hey Bloo how's it going.''wilt said.''Hey Wilt do you need any thing socks, water, a basketball?'' Bloo said.''Actually I don't need any-''Great I get you a glass of water.'' Bloo said interrupting Wilt.Bloo ran and get Wilt a glass of water.''Thanks Bloo, but I didn't need a glass of water.''Wilt said. Bloo was shock that he didn't need a glass of water.''What you don't need a glass of water?''.Bloo said.Bloo left the kitchen.

[HappyFoppy]

Um... Why is there a poll on this thread again?

[BLOOSTER12]

Chapter 3

Eduardo was walking down the hall, until Bloo surpise him.''Arrgh.''Eduardo yelled when he saw Bloo coming out.''Hey Ed listen, I know you like potatos so here's a basket of potatoes for you.''Bloo said to Eduardo."Thank you Azul,but um how come a few of them are smash?"Edaurdo said being confused."Oh that's just a smashed potatoe basket, so uh what do you think?" Bloo asked.''Thanks, well bye."Eduardo said and run away from bloo.

Meanwhile, when Bloo saw Coco he said '' Hey Coco-(Bloo can't give anything to her since she can lay eggs to get stuff)oh forget it." Bloo said and walking somewhere else.''Cococo?'' she said.


one more chapter to go

[BLOOSTER12]

Chapter 4

Mac was at foster's seeing the entire place clean so hard.Mac was so surprise that Bloo was cleaning the house when he saw him.''Bloo you're cleaning the house?!''Mac said.Bloo just said ''gotta be good!'' which he was repeating.''BLOO!" Mac yelled at Bloo.''Sorry Mac, but I have to be good for today so can you please help me be to be good for today?Bloo said desperately.''But why Bloo?'' Mac asked.''Because Mr.Herriman made a cake so delicious that I had to be good."Bloo told Mac.''Well okay if I get a slice of the cake."Mac said."Deal."Bloo said. Mac and Bloo were cleaning the House so hard that it was time to get a piece of that cake.At the dining hall everyone, even Bloo got a slice of the cake.''Yes I can taste that cake now."Bloo said.When he taste it Bloo said,''YUCK WHAT IS THIS!!''Bloo said with disgust.''Well Master Blooregard you see today is the day when I was imagined and that cake your eating is my favorite.''Mr.Herriman told Bloo.Bloo was so shock that he'd been good for nothing,so he just slam his face on the table thinking he's an idiot.
End

[KazooBloo]

Um...