I got hit by a bottle of holy water today.

[Ridureyu]

I got hit on the head with a bottle of holy water today. It did not have the expected effect.

To begin with, this has already been a strange week. My dog ransacked the kitchen, a fingernail clipping catapulted into my eye, I tasted possibly the worst candy ever, I tried Sesame Tea and liked it, I found a valid application of a voodoo doll joke, and a Republican and Democrat made friends on Super Tuesday.

Anyway, I was relaxing today. I had finished a massive work project (proofed a book manuscript!), and had no immediate homework ahead of me. So, I relaxed in my favorite chair with my dog, and put in the Naked Gun movies. I'm talking about the Zucker Brothers/Leslie Nielsen comedies. Don't get fresh with me. I had just settled in when there was a loud knock on the door. Now. we've got two NO SOLICITING signs that cannot be missed on the way to the front door. At a rate of roughly once or twice a week, though, salespeople either miss it or think that it does not apply to them. Assuming this, I looked out the window to see a middle-aged Mexican lady sitting in front of the door.

Now, I'm not being racist. "Mexican" is the correct descriptor for this person, though. She even said "Ay yi yi!" at least once, but that's aside the point. She was somewhere on the level of Speedy Gonzales in Mexican-ness, but her English was decent enough to understand what was going on. Apparently, this was a neighbor I didn't know I had (she was actually most of the way down the block), and was moving today, and NEEDED help to get things loaded. I said yes, of course, being willing to help - she had gotten me and one other guy I didn't recognize. The house was what could be called "cluttered." There was much random bric-a-brac, including but not limited to a giant doll house, neon-colored flowers, a tricycle, more ashtrays than are logical, and religious paraphernalia, which shall be described in greater detail in a moment. There was also a pretty bad smell, but I chose not to try to identify it.

Now, some people are Roman Catholic, and others are ROMAN CATHOLIC!!! This lady was the latter. Aside from the icon paintings, crucifixes (crucifi?) on the walls, and candles with pictures of saints on them, there were a few other personal touches to this house, such as the giant statue of Mary with GLOWING EYES. I thought things like that only existed in Carrie, but I guess this shows what I know. What the other guy and I needed to do for her most was carry heavier furniture out to his truck - a few dressers, a bed, and some other bits of furnishings. She expected us to carry the dressers with drawers still full of clothes, but we got around that by taking the drawers out, moving the dressers, and then moving the drawers back in, clothes included. But that's besides the point.

While moving the first dresser, I bumped my head on a low-hanging wall shelf. Down came three Maries, two Jesuses, one flesh-toned Donald Duck, and a bottle labeled "HOLY WATER," which bopped me quite neatly on the head. I didn't burn or melt, though, so all is okay. But yeah. Holy Water.

They didn't need me for the first trip ini the truck (It was too full, anyway), so I went back home. A few minutes later, there was a familiar knock on the door, and a familiar Mexican lady standing there. Time for Round 2! What made this interesting was the space debris. It wasn't falling on my head or anything, but I counted at least three separate objects in the sky. Was this a sign of the impending apocalypse? I and the other guy (and his son) loaded the rest of the random stuff, including a full-length fur coat that appeared to be leopard print, only leopards are not that fluffy. I do not want to know what animal gave its life to produce this garment. Disassembling the bed was somewhat difficult, as the screws used that annoying pentagon-shaped head which nobody has a screwdriver for. You'd be amazed what you can do with a good set of pliers and some coordination, though.

Now, all through this I have neglected to mention the communication between myself and this lady. She was hitting on me the entire time.


"Do you have a girlfriend? I think it should be me." (My response? O_O)

"What are you doing tonight? Are you alone?" (My response? "Nope! Need to call up some people. get work done! Big project!" Not entirely untrue)

*singing "Do You Want To Be My lover" by the Spice Girls* (My response? O_O again)

*random kissyface expression* (My response? Focus all attention on moving furniture)

"I should come and see you sometime!" (My response? Disappear ninja-style)


I was somewhat disturbed. Remember that Family Guy scene where Meg asked someone to go out with her, and he said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'd like to, but I'll be in the hospital that night" and then proceeded to shoot himself in the stomach with a nail gun? I won't deny it. I considered that course of action.

Anyway, eventually it all ended. And so, I went back home, drove my car into the garage, turned out the lights, locked the doors, closed the blinds, and became quiet. Real quiet. Then I finished watching Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult, and everything felt better in the end.




help me

[Cassini90125]

It is my sincere hope that someone, anyone, who has the talent to turn this post into a video goes ahead and does so.

[Partymember]

I want a Mary with glowing eyes

I made the mistake of telling a lady on Wednesday, "you got some dirt on your face." then she got real PO'd, like i was SUPPOSED to know it was Ash Wednesday or something

[Lynnie]

You're quite the talented writer Rid, that was most entertaining.

So, to get this strait, you saw "UFO"s (not calling them alien related, just "unidentified") after getting hit by the holy water? Oh my, that does make for one strange day.

*gets Rid an ice pack for the bump on his head*
*here's another for any sore muscles*

[One Radical Dude]

Aaaah, I'm so glad I'm your friend, Rid. But dang...you go through some freaky folks.