Mr Fancy Pants

[Ub3rD4n]

Yeee! the beginning of a new fanfic! Now, this fic does feature prominently some OCs of mine (Slugger, who those of you who read my previous fics should be familiar with, and another I'm introducing here), but they're purely antagonists in nature, and in no way an attempt to steal spotlight from canon characters. Think of them as functioning in the same way as Richie in Hiccy Burps or Berry in Berry Scary. And if you find yourself unable to tolerate their presence, just wait 'till I start my next fanfic, and they'll be gone. Okay. Warning over. This fic was inspired by the Jonathan Coulton song of the same name.

Mr Fancy Pants

Title shot: A sheild with the title on it, with swords underneath.

Chapter 1: And It All Came Tumbling Down

It was a tower. It was a REALLY tall tower of cards. It towered high up in one of the random semi-unused rooms that Fosters has. It was almost up to the celing. And considering how ridiculously high the celings are at Fosters, that's pretty high. Eduardo, Wilt, Coco and Bloo were stacked on top of one another, and Bloo was just in the process of putting the final card on the tower. Before he could, a door opened, and Slugger came crawling in (if you haven't read my other fanfics, just picture a grey slug with bad teeth, and you're there). "Hey, guys! Nice card tower! Ooh, can I help?" he called.
"No!" said Bloo.
Ignoring him, Slugger proceeded to climb up the tower, which wobbled precariously as he did so. The other friends registered their protest.
"Ay! You gonna make 'em fall!"
"What are you, nuts!?"
"Cocococo!"
"Uh, I'm sorry, I don't think that's a good idea.."
"Aw, quit worrying! I'm an expert at stackin' cards!" assured Slugger, who reached the top and grabbed the card off of Bloo. He then put the card on top, long end up, where it stood. Slugger beamed. The top card then fell over, destabilising the tower and bringing it suddenly down with a FWOOSH! Bloo and the others fell over, cards flying everywhere, but noone was seriously injured. "I'm okay!" shouted Slugger, lying on his back. "I'm practically invulnerable!"

Bloo loomed over him. "Well, that's just great! We spent all morning making that tower and you come along and wreck it! Thanks a lot!" He then stormed out of the room, as did the others.
"Cococococo co!"
"Si, es stupido."
Wilt stayed behind to berate him some more. "I'm sorry, but that is not okay! We all spent a lot of time on that tower of cards, and then you go and break it! That's really inconsiderate of you!"
"Well, that's sympathy for you." Slugger muttered angrily, as he went to leave. "My creator dies horribly and what kinda treatment do I get?"
"Hold up! Your creator died?" Wilt asked.
"Oh, yes. Of....*sniff*...boneitis!" Slugger replied, looking suddenly very teary. "Oh, it was horrible!"
"Gee, I'm sorry. I didn't know." Wilt came up to comfort Slugger. "Let's go get you some lunch." he said, leading Slugger away. Slugger grinned.

"So, I gather by the look on your face that your card tower collapsed. I told you that design was flawed. If you'd have listened to me, you could have saved yourself a lot of trouble."
"Well, who asked you, Smarty Pants?" Bloo snapped at a green, monkey-like imaginary friend with big blue pants of the same design as the ones Mr Herriman wore on Adoptcalypse Now, which seemed to magically suspend themselves on his stick-thin body, with spherical hands (with fingers), and a roughly football-shaped head with glasses. He had a smug smirk on his face. "Well, noone did, that's the problem. Next time you want a real design, come to me." he answered and walked off. Bloo and the others entered the dining room for lunch, and sat down to eat. "Man, can you beleive that Smarty Pants? He's such a know-it-all!"
"Well, he is pretty smart" said Wilt.
"Si."
"Cococo cococo!" Coco added.
"Well, I'm glad SOMEONE agrees with me." Bloo said, relieved.
"Cococo!"
"Man, that's rough. Noone can classify you, Coco, it's part of your "mistique"!"
"Coco."
"Hey, Wilt! How come you're sitting with that sludgeball? He ruined our card tower!"
"Slugger's an okay person, Bloo. He just needs someone to be friendly to him."
"Ha! You hear that, Bloo? That means that Wilt likes ME better than YOU!"
"Uh, no it doesn't." Wilt argued.
"But we're still friends, right? RIGHT!?" asked Slugger, desperately.
"Uuuuuhhhhh....okay?"
"See, Slugger? Everyone loves the Blooster, cause I'm where it's at!"
"Uh, that's "Where it is.". The "at" is superfluous." Smarty Pants popped out of seemingly nowhere to interject, then left as quickly as he came.
"I'll superflous you!" Bloo called out after him. Then angrily returned to his seat, brooding.

[antgirl1]

Tha was a pretty good chapter, though I think Slugger is just using the "My creator died of boneitis" thing to get away with things. XD

[FailedShapeshifter]

Hehehe...boneitis....I'm thinking you watch Futurama....I really like your stories, you really write them in character. I can't wait for the next chapter.

[Ub3rD4n]

Yays! Two comments and it's only the first chapter (which, I've noticed, is the least funny for me. I guess, like Fosters, I can take half an episode to build up to the other half. My funniest moments are always saved for last). Oh, and someone got the Futurama reference! So, anywho:

Chapter 2: Gotta Name 'Em All!

"Yeee! Friends! Friends! Friends! What'll we do first?" Slugger and Wilt were walking down the halls of Fosters. Well, Wilt was walking, and Slugger was bouncing hyperactively. "Well, we could make a tower of-oh.....no, we already did that." Wilt replied. "Why not basketball? That's a fun game."

At which point, Eduardo caught up with them. "Ooh, can I play?" Eduardo asked.
"If Slugger thinks it's okay-"
Slugger suddenly got all teary again. "The last thing he said to me-"
"Who?" asked Eduardo
"My creator, doorknob! The last words he said to me were......muchrooms."
"Mushrooms?"
"We were ordering pizza." Slugger sniffled.
"Uh, maybe we should do this just the two of us. Okay Eduardo?"
"........Okay...." Eduardo said reluctantly. Slugger let out a "Woohoo!" and ran on ahead, Wilt following closely. "Hm, well if Wilt no want to play with me. I find someone who will." Eduardo stated. He turned to Crackers. "You wanna be me amigo?"

"Cocococo?"
"Nah, I haven't seen it. Man! That guy just grates on my nerves. Who does he think he is? Smarter than me?"
"Coco."
"He is NOT smarter than me! Anyone can just say random facts! Watch!"
"Coco." said Coco distractedly, searching under a couch cushion.
"Well, then did you know that there isn't any martians cause there's no water on Mars?"
Right on cue, Smarty Pants appeared from nowhere to state: "There actually IS water on Mars, it's just frozen."
"Aha! So there ARE martians! I knew it! I mean, wait! No! You! I'll show you I'm smart!"

Cut to Bloo walking up to a group of imaginary friends. "So, did you guys know that there's gold in plant leaves that allows them to breathe? Pretty smart, huh?"
"Actually, that's magnesium."

Cut to Bloo approaching another group of friends. "Did you know the largest meatball on record is over 15 feet in diameter?"
"Actually, there is no record for the world's largest meatball."

"Did you know the world's largest seabird is the pelican?"
"Albatross."

"Did you know that time goes backwards when you reach the speed of light?"
"Actually, it only slows down."
"Uh, Bloo? Monkey? Wilt and I are kinda in the middle of a game here."

"Actually, pigs have never been proven to hate pocupines."
"Actually, spiders are insects."
"Actaully, the moon has no traces of gummi worms."
"Actually, it's centripedal force, not centrifugal."
"Actually, that won't explode if you poke it enough."
"Actually, there is not, nor has there ever been, a country named Bloobakistan."

"AAAAARGH!! Okay then, mister smarty pants Smarty Pants! I challenge you to a test of knowledge!" Bloo burst out. "I'm listening." Smarty Pants replied. "How about this. We each have five minutes to write down the names of all the freinds in Fosters we can name. Whoever has the most on their list wins!"
"You're on!"

.........................

"Now, where were we?" asked Slugger. "You were about fifty points down." replied Wilt. "But don't worry. We're only five minutes into the game! You got plenty of time to catch up!" and with that, Wilt ran up with the ball, easily dodged a poor blocking attempt by Slugger, and scored another dunk. Slugger looked angry, then thought of something. "I lose again! First my creator dies and now this! Why must my life be filled with pain!!! Whyyyyyyy!!!?" Wilt looked really torn, then said cheerfully, "Maybe you just need to give it another try!" he then slowly ran to the hoop with the ball, and Slugger effortlessly grabbed it off of him and threw it to the hoop. It missed. "Whyyyyyy?!!!!" Slugger screamed. Wilt picked up the ball while Slugger's eyes were still closed with angst and threw it into the hoop. "No, see, you didn't miss!" he assured Slugger. "All right! I'm the man!" shouted Slugger, and began to make his victory dance (quite a shight, considering his lack of arms and legs).

"Okay, Pants! Time's up! Time to get to the naming! I'll go first: let's see....there's Wilt, Eduardo, Coco, Jackie Khones, Charlie Chickenleg, Bendy, Crackers, Red-"
"- Sunset Junction, Fluffer Nutter, Cocamamie Amy, Creaky Pete, Oscar-"
"-Camery, Camcordery, Torchy, Bulby, Flashlighty, Wally-"
"-Billy the Squid, Armpit Joe, Dino, Cowboy, Duchess-"
"-Never-Leave Steve, Army Dan, Ferrous Ferret, Shellmoe-"
"-Dancey Pantalones, Deodor-Ann, Creaky Pete, The New Guy-"

"And now I shall attempt to beat you in a basketball game while blindfolded, tied up, and with earplugs!" shouted Slugger. He balanced the ball on his nose and tried to toss it into the hoop. It just rolled off his nose and onto the ground. Wilt sighed, walked over, picked the ball up and tossed it into the hoop. "I can only assume that that's a goal! Yay!" shouted Slugger.

Meanwhile, quite a crowd had gathered to watch the name-off between Smarty Pants and Bloo.
"-Yogi Booboo, Smarty Pants, Slugger, Doublelatte-"
"-Mr Herriman, Antgirl, Jekylljuice, Mr Marshmallow....uh...."
"Out of names?" asked Smarty Pants.
"There is no more names! it's a tie! We both named every friend in the house!"
"I got one more for you....Blooreguard Q. Kazoo."
Bloo's eyes widened. "AAAAH! Me! Why do I always forget me!? How can someone forget someone as cool as me!?"
"Don't feel too bad, Bloo. You're not THAT dumb. You're just not as smart as me." Smarty Pants gloated, then walked off.
"I'll get you back, Smarty Pants! even if it takes me a bajillion years!' Bloo shouted. "No such thing as a bajillion!" came the faint cry from the distance.

[antgirl1]

Originally Posted by Ub3rD4n

"-Yogi Booboo, Smarty Pants, Slugger, Doublelatte-"
"-Mr Herriman, Antgirl, Jekylljuice, Mr Marshmallow....uh...."

LOL! You have to include us? XDDD

Anyways, that was a great chapter, Slugger is, in fact, using the "emo" stuff to take advantage of Wilt. XD

[Ub3rD4n]

If that last chapter seemed a little...off, it may have been cause it took till 11 at night to finish, and I was tired! Don't ask why! Okay, now to make with the funny!

Chapter 3: Terrance-rised

"Well, this is just great! I get publicly humiliated, and everyone goes on thinking that stupid monkey is the smartest guy in Fosters! Stupid monkey, thinks he's so smart....actually IS smart....mumble..."
"Uh, did you just say "mumble"?" asked Mac, who just walked into the room behind Bloo.
"Mac! You can help me! You're waaay nerdier than that stupid Smarty Pants!"
"For the last time, Bloo, I am not a nerd!"
"Oh, yeah! Then what's the capital of Pittsburgh?"
"Pittsburgh is a city, Bloo. It can't have a capital."
"Takes one to know one!"
"Bloo, that last exchange didn't make any sense."
"Yeah, but I forgive you."
"Coco?"
"Huh? I didn't even know you HAD a yoyo." replied Mac.
"Cococo. Coco cococo CO cocococo."
"That doesn't make any sense at all!"
"Of course it does, Mac. If it's her prized possession, then she makes sure noone knows she has it so noone can steeeeaaaal it."
"But then....oh, never mind."
"Coco?"
"No, I have not seen it!"
"Look, whatever. Mac, I need your help! There's this one imaginary friend, and he thinks he's smarter than me!"
"No offence Bloo, but he's probably right."
"I know! That's why I need YOUR help to prove that I'm smarter than him!"
"You know Bloo, I actually think that last sentence was just as dumb as Terrence."
".........That's it! Thanks Mac!" cried Bloo, and ran off.
"Well, okay, I guess I'll just make another card tower on my own, then,"

Meanwhile, in the hallway, Wilt was on tiptoes, struggling to reach a chandeleir with a whizbee stuck in it. "Man, I really appreciate you getting that whizbee offa that chandilier."Sluggy stated. "You know you don't HAVE to."
"No, that's......okay..." Wilt said, while straining to reach.
"I'll give you a boost!" Slugger cried, and grabbed Wilt's foot, attempting to haul him into the air. However, this just tripped Wilt up, falling a looong way to the ground. Then the whizbee fell on his bad eye. "Thanks!" called Slugger, walking over him to retrieve the whizbee. "What a great friend. Wouldn't want me to step over that patch of sticky juice, would we?"
"....okay...." wheezed Wilt.

"So...if I go and beat up this guy for you....whaddo I get?" asked Terrence.
"Isn't it reward enough to beat the stuffing out of some poor weak, helpless imaginary friend?"
"Usually. But for you, I cut a special deal."
"Fine! What do you want? I'll get you anything!"
"Hmmm.......okay....get me some......beer!"
"Hah! Is that all? No problemo! I got this one in the bag!"

"Okay, Wilt, Coco and Eduardo are all off on their own subplots, so I gotta enlist your help!" Bloo informed Red and Jackie Khones.
"What's in it for me?" asked Jackie.
"You get to be the arms."

The automatic doors to the convienience store opened, and in shuffled a.....man, wearing a long trenchcoat, a top hat and a long moustache. He did a weird shuffling walk up to the counter. "Hello, my good man," he said in a weird voice to the man at the register, while his arm flailed around wildly. "My name is Bloo. Orlando Bloo. And I am going to stop reaching for my hat now. Any second. Soon. There. Now, as I was saying I would like to buy this case of beer." a case of beer plonked loudly on the counter, with no apparent aid from his arms. "As you can see by my wildly inappropriate gestures, I am an adult. This card should authenticate my grown-uposity." He handed the man a crudely cut card, which had a doodle of him on it in crayon, and the words: "sqillioneer's's liscence. Orlando bLoo. Occuppa occccooo job: awesomestronomer. age: a bajillionty-two years old. NOte: not a fake iD." The man looked at the ID, took the money, and sold him the beer. Orlando's groin then made a sound suspiciously like: "Red do good!" "Quiet you idiot!"
"Whoop! There's those beans I had for breakfast! Must be going! Ta!" and then he wobbled around a bit and shuffled backwards out of the store.

"So, did you get it?" asked Terrance eagerly, outside the store.
"Right here." said Bloo, handing over the crate. Terrance ripped a bottle out and began greedily drinking it. He then stopped suddenly. "Hey! This is root-beer!"
"Well, duh! That's what you asked for!"
"Aaaahhhh....whatever."

.......................

"Hey! Monkey but! I gotta surprise for you!" called Terrance, brandishing his fist to Smarty Pants, who was sitting on a lazy-boy, reading. He looked panicked, then jumped out of the chair and ran for his life! Terrance gave chase, and with the longer legspan, he was gaining. Smarty Pants ran up the stairs, with Terrance chasing close behind. When Terrance reached the top, Smarty Pants pulled a string which sent a couch flying off of the celing, where it had been suspended by ropes, right into Terrance. Wham! It hit Terrance in the face and sent him tumbling down the stairs. Bloo looked flabbergasted from the top of the stairs. "Always one step ahead of you, Bloo." remarked Smarty Pants. "So, that's the Terrance I heard so much about? He's not so tough. Macauly Kaulkin could beat him!" Smarty Pants then descended the stairs, and went back to the sitting room. Bloo stopped looking flabbergasted as his face drew into a wicked grin. "Oh, so it's a pranking war you're after, eh, Smarty Pants? Then it's a pranking war you shall have! Mwahahahaha!!"

[jekylljuice]

Yay, I got a shout-out in chapter 2! jj is very honoured.

[Sparky]

(Psst...it's spelled "Terrence." No A. Lol, sorry. )

[Ub3rD4n]

Aw crud! Did I misspell it? Augh! I pride myself on my spelling, and even though that's a well-used variant of the name, I'm still annoyed at having misspelt it. Well, nuts. Isn't it ironic? I mean, considering the subject matter of this particular fanfic, and the same thing's happening to me. Except it's less of Sparky being a know-it-all, than me being a total doofus. Still, nice to see you're reading my fanfics. I hope you enjoy them for stuff other than the spelling errors.

Okay, rant over.

Chapter 4: The Prank Wars

It was dinnertime again at Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends. As usual, Wilt, Bloo, Coco and Eduardo were gathering to sit next to each other. Of course, Slugger was still hanging around Wilt, and was tagging along. "Shh! You guys, watch!" Bloo squealed, poiinting over to the far end of the table, where Smarty Pants was about to sit down. "He's gonna get the prankin' of a lifetime!" Smarty Pants sat down. "Uh, was that meant to happen, Bloo?" asked Wilt.
"No! He was supposed to sit on the whopee cushion I put there!"
"A whopee cushion? THAT'S your big prank?" asked Slugger
"Aw, who asked you?" muttered Bloo, sitting down, and letting off a huge Pphhhrrrrrbbt! noise, causing much laughter among the friends at the table and causing him to start muttering angrily. Eduardo made to sit down next to Wilt, but Slugger zipped in and stole the chair before he could. "Thanks for saving me a seat, buuuuddddy." Slugger said to Wilt.
"Uh, that's okay." Wilt replied, offset.
"Yeah, that's okay. I just go sit with me new amigo, Crackers." said Eduardo huffily, and made to sit on the other side of the table, where Crackers was sitting.
"Uh, so...uh...." said Wilt, looking from a muttering Bloo to Slugger in a vain attempt to find a decent conversation.
"Cocococo!?" Coco said, getting in Slugger's face.
"What? I resent that remark! I don't know anything about a yoyo! Oh, why? Why must I be forever persecuted?"

................................

Mac was walking down the halls of Fosters, having just gotten out of school. With a yank, he was pulled down behind a pot plant. "Bloo, what are you-"
"Shhh. I'm on a mission."
"For what?"
"I'm on a mission to prove I'm smarter than that chimp by pranking him but good. I got the idea when I saw him hit Terrence with that couch."
"He did what?"
"And I got just the plans."
"-cause I would have really liked to have seen that..."
"See that tripwire there? As soon as he walks over it, the bucket tips over" he said, referring to a tripwire in the hall attatched to a bucket attatched to the celing."and he gets a pantsload of ice cold mountain dew!"
"Do you suppose we could get him to do it again for me?"
"Shhhh! He's coming."
Smarty Pants walked down the hall, stopped at the tripwire, and deliberately walked over it. "Nice try, Bloo..." he remarked to the air, as he walked off.
"That's it? He doesn't even somehow make it land on us? He just avoided it? That's a breach of cartoon ettiquite! You construct a trap like that and SOMETHING'S gotta set it off!"
Ka-thump! Ka-thump! Ka-thump! Splash!
"Uh, oh."
"Yeaaaargh! What the devil-this isn't even water! When I find who's responsable!!!" came Mr Herriman's voice. Mac and Bloo couldn't see him, they were hiding tightly behing the pot plant.

"So, whaddaya think?" Slugger asked Wilt, who was wearing an armless T-shirt with the words "Best Freinds Forever" on it.
"It's a little...uh....cramped.." replied Wilt, struggling to free his arm.
"Yeah, I didn't know your size, so I just modelled it of mine." commented Slugger, who was just fine in his own armless T-shirt of identical make.
"Uh, thanks."
"Ooh! And look on the back!" Slugger hauled Wilt to a room with large three-panelled, more-than-full-body mirrors. Wilt turned around, revealing the words "I" then a heart, then a picture of Slugger's face. "See, we match!" said Slugger, turning around to reveal the exact same thing on his own T-shirt. "Gee...that's.....great." said Wilt.

"So, are you gonna help me punk this fool?" asked Bloo.
"No, Bloo, I'm not about to get caught up in your weird little vendetta. And don't talk like that."
"Oh, really?"
"Really. He hasn't done anything wrong that I know of, other than being annoying."
"He called you an ignoramous."
"........Okay, here's what we're gonna do..." Mac said, scribbling on a peice of paper to reveal a very complicated diagram.
"Woow. That's so cool! What's this part do?"
"Nothing. It's just cool to have."

So, after some planning, Mac and Bloo were placing mousetraps all across the halls. "So, to recap, Smarty Pants trips on the marbles on the top of the stairs, tumbles down the stairs, sets off the rube golberg device, which does nothing, lands on the roller skates and skates into the ottoman, tripping him, and sending him plummeting face first into a field of mousetraps."
"Cool! This plan is awesome, Mac!"
"Hey! What do you two think you're doing?" came the yell of Frankie from the other side of the mousetraps.
"We're just teaching a certain brainiac a lesson he'll never forget!"
"Yeah, well if you think I'm cleaning up after you guys, you got a lesson to learn yourselves. Now pick up these mousetraps."
"But Frankieeee.."
"Do it, mister!"
"Fine." Bloo made to pick up a mousetrap, but set it off in his hand! "Aah!" he screamed, flailing wildly, then tripped up and landed in the middle of the mousetraps, setting them all off! As Bloo writhed in pain, with Frankie and Mac looking on in concern, Smarty Pants roller-skated by. "Hey Bloo." he said, nonchalantly.

"Okay Bloo," said Mac, as they removed the last of the mousetraps from him, "Maybe you should stop this silly feud now. You could get hurt."
"Maybe you're right, Mac. Maybe I'm just not smart enough to beat him. Maybe I should just...give up." he said, and walked dejectedly off for a short while. Then, he stopped looking sad, and began looking angry!
"Hey! Wait a minute! I'm Blooreguard Q. Kazoo! I don't get emotional! I get mad! I can do it! I'm the most prankinest Freind who ever lived in this house! Well, maybe except for Wally. But I can out-prank this joker, and be back on top! I have NO idea how!" and with that he ran off, stopping briefly to look at Coco, who was sticking out of the wall.
"Not in the dry-wall, huh?"
"Co."

Back with Mac and Frankie, Eduardo and Crackers came walking along.
"Hola Senor Mac! I like you to meet me amigo, Crackers!"
"Oh, hey there."
Just at that point, Wilt came walking past, dejectedly.
"Hey, Wiilt. I thought you was off with your new amigo, Slugger."
"Oh, hey, Ed. I was just getting him some orange juice and.....I'm sorry, but that guy just irritates me. I'd like to tell him the truth, but after losing his creator to boneitis, I'm the first friend he's had."
"Slugger's creator no get boneitis. He tell me that his creator die in a car crash."
"Well, he told me that his creator was eaten by Barvarian aardvarks!" supplied Crackers.
"Hey! That rotten little sneak lied to me! I bet his creator isn't dead at all! He was just taking advantage of me! Well I'll show him! Next time he asks me to do something, I'll say "Sorry, but no!""
"What! That's it?" asked Frankie incredulously. "That creep took advantage of you, made you get his orange juice, and you don't want to get him back? Here-" Frankie pulled Wilt's head down and whispered to him.
"Ooh, that sounds good." said Wilt, both of them grinning evilly. They walked off together, chuckling.
"Hey!" exclaimed Eduardo, "That means that Wilt not friends with Slugger anymore!"
"Wait...." said Crackers, with tears in his eyes, "You were just using me to make Wilt jealous!" and then he ran off, crying.
"No! Come back!" shouted Eduardo, chasing after, leaving Mac alone in the hall.
"I have no freakin' clue what's going on around here." he stated bitterly.

"Hey, Wilt, hey Redhead!" greeted Slugger, as their shadows loomed over him.
"Wiiilt....why are you grinning?"
"Wiiiilt....what's in the bag?"
"Wiiiiiiiiilt....why are you grabbing me?!!"
Slugger was promptly wrestled and stuffed into a bag by the two, and taken into a daek, unused room, where he was duct-taped to a chair, and locked inside.
"Okay, guys! Nice joke! I'm laughing!" Slugger shouted to the door. "Now, could you unlock the door and let me out?"
The only reply came from the darkness behind him: "I like ceeeeerealll."

[jekylljuice]

Aww, poor little Crackers never seems to catch a break for long...though Slugger is the one who probably should fear if Cheese is indeed on the horizon.

Anyhow, great stuff. I love the Wilt-Slugger bonding sequences.